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then she pressed closer into the pillow： she did not want anyone
here； not a living soul； to know of her anguish and her tears。
She bit the pillow； bit her hand till it bled （I saw that
afterwards）； or； thrusting her fingers into her dishevelled hair；
seemed rigid with the effort of restraint； holding her breath and
clenching her teeth。 I began saying something； begging her to
calm herself； but felt that I did not dare； and all at once； in a
sort of cold shiver； almost in terror； began fumbling in the
dark； trying hurriedly to get dressed to go。 It was dark； though
I tried my best I could not finish dressing quickly。 Suddenly I
felt a box of matches and a candlestick with a whole candle in
it。 As soon as the room was lighted up； Liza sprang up； sat up
in bed； and with a contorted face； with a half insane smile；
looked at me almost senselessly。 I sat down beside her and took
her hands； she came to herself； made an impulsive movement
towards me； would have caught hold of me； but did not dare； and
slowly bowed her head before me。
〃Liza； my dear； I was wrong。。。forgive me； my dear；〃 I began； but
she squeezed my hand in her fingers so tightly that I felt I was
saying the wrong thing and stopped。
〃This is my address； Liza； come to me。〃
〃I will come；〃 she answered resolutely； her head still bowed。
〃But now I am going； good…bye。。。till we meet again。〃
I got up； she； too； stood up and suddenly flushed all over； gave
a shudder； snatched up a shawl that was lying on a chair and
muffled herself in it to her chin。 As she did this she gave
another sickly smile； blushed and looked at me strangely。 I felt
wretched； I was in haste to get awayto disappear。
〃Wait a minute；〃 she said suddenly； in the passage just at the
doorway； stopping me with her hand on my overcoat。 She put down
the candle in hot haste and ran off； evidently she had thought of
something or wanted to show me something。 As she ran away she
flushed； her eyes shone； and there was a smile on her lipswhat
was the meaning of it？ Against my will I waited： she came back a
minute later with an expression that seemed to ask forgiveness
for something。 In fact； it was not the same face； not the same
look as the evening before： sullen； mistrustful and obstinate。
Her eyes now were imploring； soft； and at the same time trustful；
caressing； timid。 The expression with which children look at
people they are very fond of； of whom they are asking a favour。
Her eyes were a light hazel； they were lovely eyes； full of life；
and capable of expressing love as well as sullen hatred。
Making no explanation； as though I； as a sort of higher being；
must understand everything without explanations； she held out a
piece of paper to me。 Her whole face was positively beaming at
that instant with naive； almost childish； triumph。 I unfolded
it。 It was a letter to her from a medical student or someone of
that sorta very high…flown and flowery； but extremely
respectful； love…letter。 I don't recall the words now； but I
remember well that through the high…flown phrases there was
apparent a genuine feeling； which cannot be feigned。 When I had
finished reading it I met her glowing； questioning； and
childishly impatient eyes fixed upon me。 She fastened her eyes
upon my face and waited impatiently for what I should say。 In a
few words； hurriedly； but with a sort of joy and pride； she
explained to me that she had been to a dance somewhere in a
private house； a family of 〃very nice people； _who knew nothing_；
absolutely nothing； for she had only come here so lately and it
had all happened。。。and she hadn't made up her mind to stay and
was certainly going away as soon as she had paid her debt。。。〃 and
at that party there had been the student who had danced with her
all the evening。 He had talked to her； and it turned out that he
had known her in old days at Riga when he was a child； they had
played together； but a very long time agoand he knew her
parents； but _about this_ he knew nothing； nothing whatever； and
had no suspicion！ And the day after the dance （three days ago）
he had sent her that letter through the friend with whom she had
gone to the party。。。and。。。well； that was all。〃
She dropped her shining eyes with a sort of bashfulness as she
finished。
The poor girl was keeping that student's letter as a precious
treasure； and had run to fetch it； her only treasure； because she
did not want me to go away without knowing that she； too； was
honestly and genuinely loved； that she； too； was addressed
respectfully。 No doubt that letter was destined to lie in her
box and lead to nothing。 But none the less； I am certain that
she would keep it all her life as a precious treasure； as her
pride and justification； and now at such a minute she had thought
of that letter and brought it with naive pride to raise herself
in my eyes that I might see； that I； too； might think well of
her。 I said nothing； pressed her hand and went out。 I so longed
to get away。。。I walked all the way home； in spite of the fact
that the melting snow was still falling in heavy flakes。 I was
exhausted； shattered； in bewilderment。 But behind the
bewilderment the truth was already gleaming。 The loathsome
truth。
VIII
It was some time； however； before I consented to recognise that
truth。 Waking up in the morning after some hours of heavy；
leaden sleep； and immediately realising all that had happened on
the previous day； I was positively amazed at my last night's
_sentimentality_ with Liza； at all those 〃outcries of horror and
pity。〃 〃To think of having such an attack of womanish hysteria；
pah！〃 I concluded。 And what did I thrust my address upon her
for？ What if she comes？ Let her come； though； it doesn't
matter。。。。But _obviously_； that was not now the chief and the
most important matter： I had to make haste and at all costs save
my reputation in the eyes of Zverkov and Simonov as quickly as
possible； that was the chief business。 And I was so taken up
that morning that I actually forgot all about Liza。
First of all I had at once to repay what I had borrowed the day
before from Simonov。 I resolved on a desperate measure： to
borrow fifteen roubles straight off from Anton Antonitch。 As
luck would have it he was in the best of humours that morning；
and gave it to me at once； on the first asking。 I was so
delighted at this that； as I signed the IOU with a swaggering
air； I told him casually that the night before 〃I had been
keeping it up with some friends at the Hotel de Paris； we were
giving a farewell party to a comrade； in fact； I might say a
friend of my childhood； and you knowa desperate rake； fearfully
spoiltof course； he belongs to a good family； and has
considerable means； a brilliant career； he is witty； charming； a
regular Lovelace； you understand； we drank an extra 'half…dozen'
and。。。〃 And it went off all right； all this was uttered very