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away from Petersburg！ I am not going away because 。。。 ech！
Why； it is absolutely no matter whether I am going away or not
going away。
But what can a decent man speak of with most pleasure？
Answer： Of himself。
Well； so I will talk about myself。
II
I want now to tell you； gentlemen； whether you care to hear it or
not； why I could not even become an insect。 I tell you solemnly；
that I have many times tried to become an insect。 But I was not
equal even to that。 I swear； gentlemen； that to be too conscious
is an illnessa real thorough…going illness。 For man's everyday
needs； it would have been quite enough to have the ordinary human
consciousness； that is； half or a quarter of the amount which
falls to the lot of a cultivated man of our unhappy nineteenth
century； especially one who has the fatal ill…luck to inhabit
Petersburg； the most theoretical and intentional town on the
whole terrestrial globe。 （There are intentional and unintentional
towns。） It would have been quite enough； for instance； to have
the consciousness by which all so…called direct persons and men
of action live。 I bet you think I am writing all this from
affectation； to be witty at the expense of men of action； and
what is more； that from ill…bred affectation； I am clanking a
sword like my officer。 But； gentlemen； whoever can pride himself
on his diseases and even swagger over them？
Though； after all； everyone does do that； people do pride
themselves on their diseases； and I do； may be； more than anyone。
We will not dispute it； my contention was absurd。 But yet I am
firmly persuaded that a great deal of consciousness； every sort
of consciousness； in fact； is a disease。 I stick to that。 Let
us leave that； too； for a minute。 Tell me this： why does it
happen that at the very； yes； at the very moments when I am most
capable of feeling every refinement of all that is 〃sublime and
beautiful；〃 as they used to say at one time； it would； as though
of design； happen to me not only to feel but to do such ugly
things； such that 。。。 Well； in short； actions that all； perhaps；
commit； but which； as though purposely； occurred to me at the
very time when I was most conscious that they ought not to be
committed。 The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that
was 〃sublime and beautiful；〃 the more deeply I sank into my mire
and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether。 But the chief
point was that all this was； as it were； not accidental in me；
but as though it were bound to be so。 It was as though it were
my most normal condition； and not in the least disease or
depravity； so that at last all desire in me to struggle against
this depravity passed。 It ended by my almost believing （perhaps
actually believing） that this was perhaps my normal condition。
But at first； in the beginning； what agonies I endured in that
struggle！ I did not believe it was the same with other people；
and all my life I hid this fact about myself as a secret。 I was
ashamed （even now； perhaps； I am ashamed）： I got to the point of
feeling a sort of secret abnormal； despicable enjoyment in
returning home to my corner on some disgusting Petersburg night；
acutely conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome
action again； that what was done could never be undone； and
secretly； inwardly gnawing； gnawing at myself for it； tearing and
consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort
of shameful accursed sweetness； and at lastinto positive real
enjoyment！ Yes； into enjoyment； into enjoyment！ I insist upon
that。 I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a
fact whether other people feel such enjoyment？ I will explain；
the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness of
one's own degradation； it was from feeling oneself that one had
reached the last barrier； that it was horrible； but that it could
not be otherwise； that there was no escape for you； that you
never could become a different man； that even if time and faith
were still left you to change into something different you would
most likely not wish to change； or if you did wish to； even then
you would do nothing； because perhaps in reality there was
nothing for you to change into。 And the worst of it was； and the
root of it all； that it was all in accord with the normal
fundamental laws of over…acute consciousness； and with the
inertia that was the direct result of those laws； and that
consequently one was not only unable to change but could do
absolutely nothing。 Thus it would follow； as the result of acute
consciousness； that one is not to blame in being a scoundrel； as
though that were any consolation to the scoundrel once he has
come to realise that he actually is a scoundrel。 But enough。。。。
Ech； I have talked a lot of nonsense； but what have I explained？
How is enjoyment in this to be explained？ But I will explain it。
I will get to the bottom of it！ That is why I have taken up my
pen。。。。
I； for instance； have a great deal of amour propre。 I am as
suspicious and prone to take offence as a humpback or a dwarf。
But upon my word I sometimes have had moments when if I had
happened to be slapped in the face I should； perhaps； have been
positively glad of it。 I say； in earnest； that I should probably
have been able to discover even in that a peculiar sort of
enjoymentthe enjoyment； of course； of despair； but in despair
there are the most intense enjoyments； especially when one is
very acutely conscious of the hopelessness of one's position。
And when one is slapped in the facewhy then the consciousness
of being rubbed into a pulp would positively overwhelm one。 The
worst of it is； look at it which way one will； it still turns out
that I was always the most to blame in everything。 And what is
most humiliating of all； to blame for no fault of my own but； so
to say； through the laws of nature。 In the first place； to blame
because I am cleverer than any of the people surrounding me。 （I
have always considered myself cleverer than any of the people
surrounding me； and sometimes； would you believe it； have been
positively ashamed of it。 At any rate； I have all my life； as it
were； turned my eyes away and never could look people straight in
the face。） To blame； finally； because even if I had had
magnanimity； I should only have had more suffering from the sense
of its uselessness。 I should certainly have never been able to
do anything from being magnanimousneither to forgive； for my
assailant would perhaps have slapped me from the laws of nature；
and one cannot forgive the laws of nature； nor to forget； for
even if it were owing to the laws of nature； it is insulting all
the same。 Finally； even if I had wanted to be anything but
magnanimous； had desired on the contrary to revenge myself on my
assailant； I could not have revenged myself on any one for
anything because I should certainly never have made up my mind to