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seemed in a special way to degenerate and grow stupider。 How
many fine…looking boys came to us！ In a few years they became
repulsive。 Even at sixteen I wondered at them morosely； even
then I was struck by the pettiness of their thoughts； the
stupidity of their pursuits； their games； their conversations。
They had no understanding of such essential things； they took no
interest in such striking； impressive subjects； that I could not
help considering them inferior to myself。 It was not wounded
vanity that drove me to it； and for God's sake do not thrust upon
me your hackneyed remarks； repeated to nausea； that 〃I was only a
dreamer；〃 while they even then had an understanding of life。
They understood nothing； they had no idea of real life； and I
swear that that was what made me most indignant with them。 On
the contrary； the most obvious； striking reality they accepted
with fantastic stupidity and even at that time were accustomed to
respect success。 Everything that was just； but oppressed and
looked down upon； they laughed at heartlessly and shamefully。
They took rank for intelligence； even at sixteen they were
already talking about a snug berth。 Of course； a great deal of
it was due to their stupidity； to the bad examples with which
they had always been surrounded in their childhood and boyhood。
They were monstrously depraved。 Of course a great deal of that；
too； was superficial and an assumption of cynicism； of course
there were glimpses of youth and freshness even in their
depravity； but even that freshness was not attractive； and showed
itself in a certain rakishness。 I hated them horribly； though
perhaps I was worse than any of them。 They repaid me in the same
way； and did not conceal their aversion for me。 But by then I
did not desire their affection： on the contrary； I continually
longed for their humiliation。 To escape from their derision I
purposely began to make all the progress I could with my studies
and forced my way to the very top。 This impressed them。
Moreover； they all began by degrees to grasp that I had already
read books none of them could read； and understood things （not
forming part of our school curriculum） of which they had not even
heard。 They took a savage and sarcastic view of it； but were
morally impressed； especially as the teachers began to notice me
on those grounds。 The mockery ceased； but the hostility
remained； and cold and strained relations became permanent
between us。 In the end I could not put up with it： with years a
craving for society； for friends； developed in me。 I attempted to
get on friendly terms with some of my schoolfellows； but somehow
or other my intimacy with them was always strained and soon ended
of itself。 Once； indeed； I did have a friend。 But I was already
a tyrant at heart； I wanted to exercise unbounded sway over him；
I tried to instil into him a contempt for his surroundings； I
required of him a disdainful and complete break with those
surroundings。 I frightened him with my passionate affection； I
reduced him to tears； to hysterics。 He was a simple and devoted
soul； but when he devoted himself to me entirely I began to hate
him immediately and repulsed himas though all I needed him for
was to win a victory over him； to subjugate him and nothing else。
But I could not subjugate all of them； my friend was not at all
like them either； he was； in fact； a rare exception。 The first
thing I did on leaving school was to give up the special job for
which I had been destined so as to break all ties； to curse my
past and shake the dust from off my feet。。。。 And goodness knows
why； after all that； I should go trudging off to Simonov's！
Early next morning I roused myself and jumped out of bed with
excitement； as though it were all about to happen at once。 But I
believed that some radical change in my life was coming； and
would inevitably come that day。 Owing to its rarity； perhaps；
any external event； however trivial； always made me feel as
though some radical change in my life were at hand。 I went to
the office； however； as usual； but sneaked away home two hours
earlier to get ready。 The great thing； I thought； is not to be
the first to arrive； or they will think I am overjoyed at coming。
But there were thousands of such great points to consider； and
they all agitated and overwhelmed me。 I polished my boots a
second time with my own hands； nothing in the world would have
induced Apollon to clean them twice a day； as he considered that
it was more than his duties required of him。 I stole the brushes
to clean them from the passage； being careful he should not
detect it； for fear of his contempt。 Then I minutely examined my
clothes and thought that everything looked old； worn and
threadbare。 I had let myself get too slovenly。 My uniform；
perhaps； was tidy； but I could not go out to dinner in my
uniform。 The worst of it was that on the knee of my trousers was
a big yellow stain。 I had a foreboding that that stain would
deprive me of nine…tenths of my personal dignity。 I knew； too；
that it was very poor to think so。 〃But this is no time for
thinking： now I am in for the real thing；〃 I thought； and my
heart sank。 I knew； too； perfectly well even then； that I was
monstrously exaggerating the facts。 But how could I help it？ I
could not control myself and was already shaking with fever。
With despair I pictured to myself how coldly and disdainfully
that 〃scoundrel〃 Zverkov would meet me； with what dull…witted；
invincible contempt the blockhead Trudolyubov would look at me；
with what impudent rudeness the insect Ferfitchkin would snigger
at me in order to curry favour with Zverkov； how completely
Simonov would take it all in； and how he would despise me for the
abjectness of my vanity and lack of spiritand； worst of all；
how paltry； _unliterary_； commonplace it would all be。 Of
course； the best thing would be not to go at all。 But that was
most impossible of all： if I feel impelled to do anything； I seem
to be pitchforked into it。 I should have jeered at myself ever
afterwards： 〃So you funked it； you funked it； you funked the
_real thing_！〃 On the contrary； I passionately longed to show
all that 〃rabble〃 that I was by no means such a spiritless
creature as I seemed to myself。 What is more； even in the
acutest paroxysm of this cowardly fever； I dreamed of getting the
upper hand； of dominating them； carrying them away； making them
like meif only for my 〃elevation of thought and unmistakable
wit。〃 They would abandon Zverkov； he would sit on one side；
silent and ashamed； while I should crush him。 Then； perhaps； we
would be reconciled and drink to our everlasting friendship； but
what was most bitter and humiliating for me was that I knew even
then； knew fully and for certain； that I needed nothing of all
this really； that I did not really want to crush； to subdue； to
attract them； and that I did not care a straw really for the