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My father lies with other soldiers by
the Pacific； the forest sings no more；
the old army blankets have disap…
peared； the memories of the terrible
war are fading； happily fading； but
they all live again； sometimes； in my
memory； and I am once more a child；
with thoughts as proud and fierce and
beautiful as Valkyries。
II
SOLITUDE
AMONG the pictures that I see
when I look back into the past； is
the one where I； a sullen； egotistic per…
son nine years old； stood quite alone in
the world。 To he sure； there were fa…
ther and mother in the house； and there
were the other children； and not one
among them knew I was alone。 The
world certainly would not have re…
garded me as friendless or orphaned。
There was nothing in my mere appear…
ance； as I started away to school in my
clean ginghams； with my well…brushed
hair； and embroidered school…bag； to
lead any one to suppose that I was a
castaway。 Yet I was I had discovered
this fact； hidden though it might be
from others。
I was no longer loved。 Father and
mother loved the other children； but not
me。 I might come home at night； fairly
bursting with important news about
what had happened in class or among
my friends； and try to relate my little
histories。 But did mother listen？ Not
at all。 She would nod like a mandarin
while I talked； or go on turning the
leaves of her book； or writing her letter。
What I said was of no importance to
her。
Father was even less interested。 He
frankly told me to keep still； and went
on with the accounts in which he was
so absurdly interested； or examined
〃papers〃 stupid…looking things done
on legal cap； which he brought home
with him from the office。 No one kissed
me when I started away in the morn…
ing； no one kissed me when I came home
at night。 I went to bed unkissed。 I
felt myself to be a lonely and misunder…
stood child perhaps even an adopted
one。
Why； I knew a little girl who； when
she went up to her room at night； found
the bedclothes turned back； and the
shade drawn； and a screen placed so as
to keep off drafts。 And her mother
brushed her hair twenty minutes by the
clock each night； to make it glossy； and
then she sat by her bed and sang softly
till the girl fell asleep。
I not only had to open my own bed；
but the beds for the other children； and
although I sometimes felt my mother's
hand tucking in the bedclothes round
me； she never stooped and kissed me on
the brow and said； 〃Bless you； my
child。〃 No one； in all my experience；
had said； 〃Bless you； my child。〃 When
the girl I have spoken of came into the
room； her mother reached out her arms
and said； before everybody； 〃Here
comes my dear little girl。〃 When I
came into a room； I was usually told to
do something for somebody。 It was
〃Please see if the fire needs more
wood；〃 or 〃Let the cat in； please；〃 or
〃I'd like you to weed the pansy bed be…
fore supper…time。〃
In these circumstances； life hardly
seemed worth living。 I decided that I
had made a mistake in choosing my
family。 It did not appreciate me； and
it failed to make my young life glad。
I knew my young life ought to be glad。
And it was not。 It was drab； as drab
as Toot's old rain…coat。
Toot was 〃our coloured boy。〃 That
is the way we described him。 Father
had brought him home from the war；
and had sent him to school； and then
apprenticed him to a miller。 Toot did
〃chores〃 for his board and clothes；
but was soon to be his own man； and to
be paid money by the miller； and to
marry Tulula Darthula Jones； a nice
coloured girl who lived with the Cut…
lers。
The time had been when Toot had
been my self…appointed slave。 Almost
my first recollections were of his carry…
ing me out to see the train pass； and
saying； 〃Toot； toot！〃 in imitation of
the locomotive； so； although he had
rather a splendid name； I called him
〃Toot；〃 and the whole town followed
my example。 Yes； the time had been
when Toot saw me safe to school； and
slipped little red apples into my pocket；
and took me out while he milked the
cow； and told me stories and sang me
plantation songs。 Now； when he passed；
he only nodded。 When I spoke to him
about his not giving me any more ap…
ples； he said：
〃Ah reckon they're your pa's ap…
ples； missy。 Why； fo' goodness' sake；
don' yo' he'p yo'se'f？〃
But I did not want to help myself。
I wanted to be helped not because I
was lazy； but because I wanted to be
adored。 I was really a sort of fairy
princess； misplaced； of course； in a
stupid republic； and I wanted life con…
ducted on a fairy…princess basis。 It was
a game I wished to play； but it was one
I could not play alone； and not a soul
could I find who seemed inclined to play
it with me。
Well； things went from bad to worse。
I decided that if mother no longer loved
me； I would no longer tell her things。
So I did not。 I got a hundred in spell…
ing for twelve days running； and did
not tell her！ I broke Edna Grantham's
mother's water…pitcher； and kept the
fact a secret。 The secret was； indeed；
as sharp…edged as the pieces of the
broken pitcher had been； I cried under
the bedclothes； thinking how sorry Mrs。
Grantham had been； and that mother
really ought to know。 Only what was
the use？ I no longer looked to her to
help me out of my troubles。
I had no need now to have father and
mother tell me to hurry up and finish
my chatter； for I kept all that hap…
pened to myself。 I had a new 〃intimate
friend；〃 and did not so much as men…
tion her。 I wrote a poem and showed
it to my teacher； but not to my unin…
terested parents。 And when I climbed
the stairs at night to my room； I swelled
with loneliness and anguish and resent…
ment； and the hot tears came to my eyes
as I heard father and mother laughing
and talking together and paying no at…
tention to my misery。 I could hear
Toot； who used to be making all sorts
of little presents for me； whistling as
he brought in the wood and water； and
then 〃cleaned up〃 to go to see his
Tulula； with never a thought of me。
And I said to myself that the best thing
I could do was to grow up and get
away from a place where I was no
longer wanted。
No one noticed my sufferings further
than sometimes to say impatiently；
〃What makes you act so strange；
child？〃 And to that； of course； I an…
swered nothing； for what I had to say
would not； I felt； be understood。
One morning in June I left home with
my resentment burning fiercely within
me。 I had not cared for the things we
had for breakfast； for I was half…ill
with fretting and with the closeness of
the day； but my lack of appetite had
been passed by with the remark that
any one was likely not to have an ap…
petite on such a close day。 But I was
so languid； and so averse to taking up
the usual round of things； that I begged
mother to let me stay at home。 She
shook her head decidedly。
〃You've been out of school too many
days already this term；〃 she said。
〃Run along now； or you'll he late！〃
〃Please 〃 I began； for my head
really was whirling； although； quite as
much； perhaps； from my perversity as
from any other cause。 Mother turned
on me one of her 〃lastword〃 glances。
〃Go to school without another word；〃
sh