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holding each other’s hands。 At last Hetty whispered； “I did do it；
Dinah 。 。 。 I buried it in the wood 。 。 。 the little baby 。 。 。 and it cried 。
。 。 I heard it cry 。 。 。 ever such a way off 。 。 。 all night 。 。 。 and I went
back because it cried。”
She paused； and then spoke hurriedly in a louder； pleading
tone。
“But I thought perhaps it wouldn’t die—there might somebody
find it。 I didn’t kill it—I didn’t kill it myself。 I put it down there and
covered it up； and when I came back it was gone 。 。 。 It was
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because I was so very miserable； Dinah 。 。 。 I didn’t know where to
go 。 。 。 and I tried to kill myself before； and I couldn’t。 Oh； I tried so
to drown myself in the pool； and I couldn’t。 I went to Windsor—I
ran away—did you know？ I went to find him； as he might take
care of me； and he was gone； and then I didn’t know what to do。 I
daredn’t go back home again—I couldn’t bear it。 I couldn’t have
bore to look at anybody； for they’d have scorned me。 I thought o’
you sometimes； and thought I’d come to you； for I didn’t think
you’d be cross with me； and cry shame on me。 I thought I could
tell you。 But then the other folks ’ud come to know it at last； and I
couldn’t bear that。 It was partly thinking o’ you made me come
toward Stoniton； and； besides； I was so frightened at going
wandering about till I was a beggar…woman； and had nothing； and
sometimes it seemed as if I must go back to the farm sooner than
that。 Oh； it was so dreadful； Dinah 。 。 。 I was so miserable 。 。 。 I
wished I’d never been born into this world。 I should never like to
go into the green fields again—I hated ’em so in my misery。”
Hetty paused again； as if the sense of the past were too strong
upon her for words。
“And then I got to Stoniton； and I began to feel frightened that
night； because I was so near home。 And then the little baby was
born； when I didn’t expect it； and the thought came into my mind
that I might get rid of it and go home again。 The thought came all
of a sudden； as I was lying in the bed； and it got stronger and
stronger 。 。 。 I longed so to go back again 。 。 。 I couldn’t bear being
so lonely and coming to beg for want。 And it gave me strength and
resolution to get up and dress myself。 I felt I must do it 。 。 。 I didn’t
know how 。 。 。 I thought I’d find a pool； if I could； like that other； in
the corner of the field； in the dark。 And when the woman went out；
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I felt as if I was strong enough to do anything 。 。 。 I thought I
should get rid of all my misery； and go back home； and never let
’em know why I ran away I put on my bonnet and shawl； and went
out into the dark street； with the baby under my cloak； and I
walked fast till I got into a street a good way off； and there was a
public； and I got some warm stuff to drink and some bread。 And I
walked on and on； and I hardly felt the ground I trod on； and it got
lighter； for there came the moon—oh； Dinah； it frightened me
when it first looked at me out o’ the clouds—it never looked so
before； and I turned out of the road into the fields； for I was afraid
o’ meeting anybody with the moon shining on me。 And I came to a
haystack； where I thought I could lie down and keep myself warm
all night。 There was a place cut into it； where I could make me a
bed； and I lay comfortable； and the baby was warm against me；
and I must have gone to sleep for a good while； for when I woke it
was morning； but not very light； and the baby was crying。 And I
saw a wood a little way off 。 。 。 I thought there’d perhaps be a ditch
or a pond there 。 。 。 and it was so early I thought I could hide the
child there； and get a long way off before folks was up。 And then I
thought I’d go home—I’d get rides in carts and go home and tell
’em I’d been to try and see for a place； and couldn’t get one。 I
longed so for it； Dinah； I longed so to be safe at home。 I don’t know
how I felt about the baby。 I seemed to hate it—it was like a heavy
weight hanging round my neck； and yet its crying went through
me； and I daredn’t look at its little hands and face。 But I went on to
the wood； and I walked about； but there was no water 。 。 。 ”
Hetty shuddered。 She was silent for some moments； and when
she began again； it was in a whisper。
“I came to a place where there was lots of chips and turf； and I
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sat down on the trunk of a tree to think what I should do。 And all
of a sudden I saw a hole under the nut…tree； like a little grave。 And
it darted into me like lightning—I’d lay the baby there and cover it
with the grass and the chips。 I couldn’t kill it any other way。 And
I’d done it in a minute； and； oh； it cried so； Dinah—I couldn’t cover
it quite up—I thought perhaps somebody ’ud come and take care
of it； and then it wouldn’t die。 And I made haste out of the wood；
but I could hear it crying all the while； and when I got out into the
fields； it was as if I was held fast—I couldn’t go away； for all I
wanted so to go。 And I sat against the haystack to watch if anybody
’ud come。 I was very hungry； and I’d only a bit of bread left； but I
couldn’t go away。 And after ever such a while—hours and hours—
the man came—him in a smock…frock； and he looked at me so； I
was frightened； and I made haste and went on。 I thought he was
going to the wood and would perhaps find the baby。 And I went
right on； till I came to a village； a long way off from the wood； and I
was very sick； and faint； and hungry。 I got something to eat there；
and bought a loaf。 But I was frightened to stay。 I heard the baby
crying； and thought the other folks heard it too—and I went on。
But I was so tired； and it was getting towards dark。 And at last； by
the roadside there was a barn—ever such a way off any hou