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was at home； then； but Adam could hardly find breath and
calmness to tell Carroll that he wanted to speak to the rector。 The
double suffering of certain and uncertain sorrow had begun to
shake the strong man。 The butler looked at him wonderingly； as
he threw himself on a bench in the passage and stared absently at
the clock on the opposite wall。 The master had somebody with
him； he said； but he heard the study door open—the stranger
seemed to be coming out； and as Adam was in a hurry； he would
let the master know at once。
Adam sat looking at the clock： the minute…hand was hurrying
along the last five minutes to ten with a loud； hard； indifferent tick；
and Adam watched the movement and listened to the sound as if
he had had some reason for doing so。 In our times of bitter
suffering there are almost always these pauses； when our
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consciousness is benumbed to everything but some trivial
perception or sensation。 It is as if semi…idiocy came to give us rest
from the memory and the dread which refuse to leave us in our
sleep。
Carroll； coming back； recalled Adam to the sense of his burden。
He was to go into the study immediately。 “I can’t think what that
strange person’s come about；” the butler added； from mere
incontinence of remark； as he preceded Adam to the door； “he’s
gone i’ the dining…room。 And master looks unaccountable—as if he
was frightened。” Adam took no notice of the words： he could not
care about other people’s business。 But when he entered the study
and looked in Mr。 Irwine’s face； he felt in an instant that there was
a new expression in it； strangely different from the warm
friendliness it had always worn for him before。 A letter lay open on
the table； and Mr。 Irwine’s hand was on it； but the changed glance
he cast on Adam could not be owing entirely to preoccupation
with some disagreeable business； for he was looking eagerly
towards the door； as if Adam’s entrance were a matter of poignant
anxiety to him。
“You want to speak to me； Adam；” he said； in that low
constrainedly quiet tone which a man uses when he is determined
to suppress agitation。 “Sit down here。” He pointed to a chair just
opposite to him； at no more than a yard’s distance from his own；
and Adam sat down with a sense that this cold manner of Mr。
Irwine’s gave an additional unexpected difficulty to his disclosure。
But when Adam had made up his mind to a measure； he was not
the man to renounce it for any but imperative reasons。
“I come to you； sir；” he said； “as the gentleman I look up to
most of anybody。 I’ve something very painful to tell you—
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Adam Bede 533
something as it’ll pain you to hear as well as me to tell。 But if I
speak o’ the wrong other people have done； you’ll see I didn’t
speak till I’d good reason。”
Mr。 Irwine nodded slowly； and Adam went on rather
tremulously； “You was t’ ha’ married me and Hetty Sorrel； you
know； sir； o’ the fifteenth o’ this month。 I thought she loved me；
and I was th’ happiest man i’ the parish。 But a dreadful blow’s
come upon me。”
Mr。 Irwine started up from his chair； as if involuntarily； but
then； determined to control himself； walked to the window and
looked out。
“She’s gone away； sir； and we don’t know where。 She said she
was going to Snowfield o’ Friday was a fortnight； and I went last
Sunday to fetch her back； but she’d never been there； and she
took the coach to Stoniton； and beyond that I can’t trace her。 But
now I’m going a long journey to look for her； and I can’t trust t’
anybody but you where I’m going。”
Mr。 Irwine came back from the window and sat down。
“Have you no idea of the reason why she went away？” he said。
“It’s plain enough she didn’t want to marry me； sir；” said Adam。
“She didn’t like it when it came so near。 But that isn’t all； I doubt。
There’s something else I must tell you； sir。 There’s somebody else
concerned besides me。”
A gleam of something—it was almost like relief or joy—came
across the eager anxiety of Mr。 Irwine’s face at that moment。
Adam was looking on the ground； and paused a little： the next
words were hard to speak。 But when he went on； he lifted up his
head and looked straight at Mr。 Irwine。 He would do the thing he
had resolved to do； without flinching。
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“You know who’s the man I’ve reckoned my greatest friend；” he
said； “and used to be proud to think as I should pass my life i’
working for him； and had felt so ever since we were lads 。 。 。”
Mr。 Irwine； as if all self…control had forsaken him； grasped
Adam’s arm； which lay on the table； and； clutching it tightly like a
man in pain； said； with pale lips and a low hurried voice； “No；
Adam； no—don’t say it； for God’s sake！”
Adam； surprised at the violence of Mr。 Irwine’s feeling；
repented of the words that had passed his lips and sat in
distressed silence。 The grasp on his arm gradually relaxed； and
Mr。 Irwine threw himself back in his chair； saying； “Go on—I must
know it。”
“That man played with Hetty’s feelings； and behaved to her as
he’d no right to do to a girl in her station o’ life—made her
presents and used to go and meet her out a…walking。 I found it out
only two days before he went away—found him a…kissing her as
they were parting in the Grove。 There’d been nothing said
between me and Hetty then； though I’d lov