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know these things。 Who is your authority； and when is he at home？ I
should apologize for writing to you but that I feel you will
sympathize with my appeal。 It seems a pity there should be so many
vulgar； ill…bred people in the world when a little knowledge on these
trivial points would enable us all to become gentlemen。 Thanking you
in anticipation； I remain 。 。 。 〃
Would he or she tell us？ Or would the fashionable novelist reply as
I once overheard a harassed mother retort upon one of her inquiring
children。 Most of the afternoon she had been rushing out into the
garden； where games were in progress； to tell the children what they
must not do： 〃Tommy； you know you must not do that。 Haven't you
got any sense at all？〃 〃Johnny； you wicked boy； how dare you do
that； how many more times do you want me to tell you？〃 〃Jane； if you
do that again you will go straight to bed； my girl！〃 and so on。
At length the door was opened from without； and a little face peeped
in： 〃Mother！〃
〃Now； what is it？ can't I ever get a moment's peace？〃
〃Mother； please would you mind telling us something we might do？〃
The lady almost fell back on the floor in her astonishment。 The idea
had never occurred to her。
〃What may you do！ Don't ask me。 I am tired enough of telling you
what not to do。〃
＇Things a Gentleman should never do。＇
I remember when a young man； wishful to conform to the rules of good
society； I bought a book of etiquette for gentlemen。 Its fault was
just this。 It told me through many pages what not to do。 Beyond
that it seemed to have no idea。 I made a list of things it said a
gentleman should NEVER do： it was a lengthy list。
Determined to do the job completely while I was about it； I bought
other books of etiquette and added on their list of 〃Nevers。〃 What
one book left out another supplied。 There did not seem much left for
a gentleman to do。
I concluded by the time I had come to the end of my books； that to be
a true gentleman my safest course would be to stop in bed for the
rest of my life。 By this means only could I hope to avoid every
possible faux pas； every solecism。 I should have lived and died a
gentleman。 I could have had it engraved upon my tombstone：
〃He never in his life committed a single act unbecoming to a
gentleman。〃
To be a gentleman is not so easy； perhaps； as a fashionable novelist
imagines。 One is forced to the conclusion that it is not a question
entirely for the outfitter。 My attention was attracted once by a
notice in the window of a West…End emporium； 〃Gentlemen supplied。〃
It is to such like Universal Providers that the fashionable novelist
goes for his gentleman。 The gentleman is supplied to him complete in
every detail。 If the reader be not satisfied； that is the reader's
fault。 He is one of those tiresome； discontented customers who does
not know a good article when he has got it。
I was told the other day of the writer of a musical farce （or is it
comedy？） who was most desirous that his leading character should be a
perfect gentleman。 During the dress rehearsal； the actor
representing the part had to open his cigarette case and request
another perfect gentleman to help himself。 The actor drew forth his
case。 It caught the critical eye of the author。
〃Good heavens！〃 he cried； 〃what do you call that？〃
〃A cigarette case；〃 answered the actor。
〃But； my dear boy；〃 exclaimed the author； 〃surely it is silver？〃
〃I know；〃 admitted the actor； 〃it does perhaps suggest that I am
living beyond my means； but the truth is I picked it up cheap。〃
The author turned to the manager。
〃This won't do；〃 he explained； 〃a real gentleman always carries a
gold cigarette case。 He must be a gentleman； or there's no point in
the plot。〃
〃Don't let us endanger any point the plot may happen to possess； for
goodness sake；〃 agreed the manager； 〃let him by all means have a gold
cigarette case。〃
＇How one may know the perfect Gentleman。＇
So； regardless of expense； a gold cigarette case was obtained and put
down to expenses。 And yet on the first night of that musical play；
when that leading personage smashed a tray over a waiter's head； and；
after a row with the police； came home drunk to his wife； even that
gold cigarette case failed to convince one that the man was a
gentleman beyond all doubt。
The old writers appear to have been singularly unaware of the
importance attaching to these socks； and ties； and cigarette…cases。
They told us merely what the man felt and thought。 What reliance can
we place upon them？ How could they possibly have known what sort of
man he was underneath his clothes？ Tweed or broadcloth is not
transparent。 Even could they have got rid of his clothes there would
have remained his flesh and bones。 It was pure guess…work。 They did
not observe。
The modern writer goes to work scientifically。 He tells us that the
creature wore a made…up tie。 From that we know he was not a
gentleman； it follows as the night the day。 The fashionable novelist
notices the young man's socks。 It reveals to us whether the marriage
would have been successful or a failure。 It is necessary to convince
us that the hero is a perfect gentleman： the author gives him a gold
cigarette case。
A well…known dramatist has left it on record that comedy cannot exist
nowadays； for the simple reason that gentlemen have given up taking
snuff and wearing swords。 How can one have comedy in company with
frock…coatswithout its 〃Las〃 and its 〃Odds Bobs。〃
The sword may have been helpful。 I have been told that at levees
City men； unaccustomed to the thing； have； with its help； provided
comedy for the rest of the company。
But I take it this is not the comedy our dramatist had in mind。
＇Why not an Exhibition of Gentlemen？＇
It seems a pity that comedy should disappear from among us。 If it
depend entirely on swords and snuff…boxes； would it not be worth the
while of the Society of Authors to keep a few gentlemen specially
trained？ Maybe some sympathetic theatrical manager would lend us
costumes of the eighteenth century。 We might provide them with
swords and snuff…boxes。 They might meet； say； once a week； in a
Queen Anne drawing…room； especially prepared by Gillow； and go
through their tricks。 Authors seeking high…class comedy might be
admitted to a gallery。
Perhaps this explains why old…fashioned readers complain that we do
not give them human nature。 How can we？ Ladies and gentlemen
nowadays don't wear the proper clothes。 Evidently it all depends
upon the clothes。
CHAPTER XX
＇Woman and her behaviour。＇
Should women smoke？
The question； in four…inch letters； exhibited on a placard outside a
small newsvendor's shop； caught recently my eye。 The wanderer
through London streets is familiar with such…like appeals to his
decision： 〃Should short men marry tall wives？〃 〃Ought we to cut our
hair？〃 〃Should second cousins kiss？〃 Life's problems appear to be
endless。
Personally； I am not worrying myself whether women should smoke or
not。 It seems to me a question for